Dear Racer faithful,
As we bask in another NCAA tournament bid, we do some bidding of our own; to the Old OVC. We had some great times. Wish you nothing but the best, which for those that are left is probably a 15 seed. Just kidding. Kinda.
For my fellow Racers, I wanted to take a moment to introduce youl to our new conference foes, so that as we embrace in the camaraderie born of spirited competition, we can better understand these new schools. So, In the spirit of sportsmanship and to further understanding among fans of the MVC, both old and new, I have decided to make a quick primer to introduce our new conference brethren.
Evansville. Great fans, a nice arena. It’s been our home for many wins. That shouldn’t change. UT Martin, with a casino. And nice fans. And a nice arena. But everything else, Skyhawks.
Indiana State. Based in Terre Haute, which is French for “Larry Bird went here”. Not really relevant since then. But there is a Federal Prison nearby which is something for the Illinois schools to be jealous of. Especially since so many Illinois politicians end up residing there. These guys will be Morehead State.
Illinois State. Or was it Bradley. Team in red, located in Illinois. No real difference. How can a program have an inferiority complex to another historically mediocre team? Talk to either one and find out! Don’t mention the other or they will call the manager. Seriously, what is the difference between these two? Has anyone ever seen these two teams in the same place at the same time? One of these teams will be Austin Peay. The other one will be Eastern Illinois. It really doesn’t matter which.
Missouri State. One of the few D1 programs in Missouri, yet still somehow irrelevant. Their fans love to scream “Not a state”. This isn’t personal. Instead this is their way of studying for their senior level geography classes, where the final is quite literally a list of stuff that they have to determine if it is or isn’t a state. Spoiler- Not many pass that test. Did you know they used to be Southwest Missouri State? Too many of their valedictorians couldn’t spell “Southwest” so they dropped it. These guys are just SEMO with a worse location.
Southern Illinois. They used to have good basketball and a mediocre school. Now they have both- mediocre school and mediocre basketball. Their fans are rabid. Literally. The dog isn’t the only thing that needs shots. I would rather watch the Cobden Appleknockers play. In fact, so would most of their fans. These guys are gonna be SIUE. Actually, once all the money changes hands, they probably already are…
Drake. Nobody knows where the hell this school is. Google was stumped. All I got was some random Seinfeld quotes, a rapper from Canada, and pictures of ducks. There is a very real school of thought that Drake is merely a rumor. #DrakeDoesntExist if they did, they would probably be Samford.
Northern Iowa. A directional school with delusions of grandeur. There are questions about whether there should be another school in Iowa whose sole focus is the cultivation of corn, but alas, there is UNI. Not to be confused with NIU. Their fans truly believe their own hype. Congrats, you’re our new western. I’m sorry. No, I’m not. Hilltoppers suck.
Valparaiso. Based in a magical place called Chicagoland, if you squint one eye, and use the loosest definition of Chicagoland. Let’s be clear, they are in Indiana, which is best known for Dan Quayle and… uh… you know what, I’ll fill that in before I send this out. No, I won’t forget. These… ORVILLE REDENBACHER. Yeah the popcorn guy from the ‘80s who later came back as the weird dancing guy for Six Flags. That guy is from Valparaiso. These guys are Eastern Kentucky.
The fellow newcomers-
Illinois Chicago. Its takes a special kind of gumption to name your team after the worst disaster to strike a city in its history. I mean, that’s like saying being the San Francisco Earthquakes, or New York Knicks. At least the team has support. Mainly from Aldermen who are under federal indictment, but who is counting? At this point, they are as bad as the Cubs, but at least they don’t have the unrealistic love for Shawon Dunston. Seriously though, Flames? Almost as bad as having a Crusader as your mascot…
Belmont. These guys you know. They are a meat-and-three where all three sides are kale. Their fans are the kind of hipsters that argue which album Bon Iver sold out on while eating vegan unicorn deconstructed guacamole and charging everything to their parents’ credit cards while dreaming of producing some future Darius Rucker album. He will always be Hootie to me, toolbags.
Seriously though, as a Racer I am so excited about joining the Valley. All in good fun.